Many things had happen to me lately and I have been in my own thought about how I have operated my life.
I notice that I operate my life from automatic. It means I have been doing things in routine. Wake up early in the morning, drive to work with lots of cars on the road and caused traffic jam, and then complaint, reach office, do work, load of work and then complaint again.. nothing excite me. Reading news, complaint about the world, people don't change, government don't change. Funny is, I just don't do anything about it. Just be in automatic.
As I experience my life which is include my work, my relationship with family and friends, I notice that I have been surviving and comfortable with that. No wonder I feel tired and numbness. I'm feeling hopeless and disappointed as if I have lost and missing something that really matters to me. So, what's not working in my life such that I have this feelings? Sad. Sour. Bored. Pain. Don't care enough.
And so, I stop from doing anything at all and did some reflection about my life, asking a few questions and it has been a long weekend.
First question, what am I pretending not to know?
At first I didn't understand this question. "What does it means?" I ignore it for awhile however, the more I resist to look at it, the more its irritating me. It got my attention. I was struggled to find the right answer. So, what you resist, persist. Okay, I make a new choices, by asking additional questions to get clarity of what does it mean. I caught myself denying 'I'm not pretending. What do I know about the things that I don't know? This is ridiculous. How can we know the things that we don't know? We just don't know what we don't know! How can we pretend not to know? If we don't know means we don't know lah! Haiiyaaa, why make things complicated?'
Okay, let say if this question evolve about life, where can we begin? Can we begin since I was born? How was my childhood? How was I responding to my life when I was teenager? Who was I when I was growing up? How was my environment at home influence the way I am today?
These questions has invited me to go back to the past, digging the memories that I have folded, and the experience and result that I have created.
Along the journey, I have meeting up a lot of people and the event that happened in my life has giving me experiences of pain, sadness, emptiness, satisfaction, broken hearted and it has make me become shy, lazy, irresponsible, living in mediocrity, do things just for the sake of doing. If I experience love, care, honesty I caught my head said 'It's not going to last longer. This too good to be true'.
So, I have been putting layers by layers and cover myself with fixed belief. One good example that I have been always told myself is that I am not good enough to go further in my life. I have been noticing a lot of excuses for me not to do many things that I want. It hold me back from getting what I deserve in life. Later that I know it was me who has sabotage myself. How could I ever do that? How can I betrayed my life?
Damn! What other excuses that I have been telling myself about me?
I got to STOP now. Stop living in automatic. Life isn't just routine. It's about creation and thousands of possibilities. Continue reflecting on how I operate my life daily, take the lesson and extended my growth. Keep looking for what is working and what's not for me and make new choices - where can lead me to the life that I imagine and deserved to have, and brings joy to me along the journey. Collecting new friends and new experiences. Just do it.
I am today and from now on, collecting my blessing and being thankful for who I am and how I have lived my life. I have a healthy body and soul, loving family and friends, life partner that I can trust, career and steady income. Now that I know, my journey of life isn't just plain simple and dull. The power is lies in me to create and living it.
Today, I choose to live my life, Living in Abundance & Prosperity. Look forward for today, new day and everyday. Oh, well.. Cheers, peeps! Let's celebrate life!
