Stage of Dreamers.

Tammy Lim and Teh Hui Ying, both of them are dreamers. Which they have dreams and they make their dream come true.

Dream, and Do it!

31^st July 2011 will be another day that they shall never forget. I wrote this article dedicated to my beloved friend, Tammy.

I still remember when I was first connected to her, it was in middle of April 2011. We met at Asiaworks Basic Training. From the appearance, she is a tomboyish kinda girl. Tough. Well, she looks tough. Back then, I don’t know who she really was. But, knowing that she’s growing up with four brothers, I think I have a basic idea about her. However, she surprised me along the journey. The Power of Dreams

The event was successfully held at 3.00pm and finished at around 5.00pm in Auditorium of Kulai Foon Yew High School in Johor. I must admit that I was not very keen to travel from KL to Kulai, at first. And then, my brother saw her youtube advert about her recital on her Facebook wall. I never experience his this way! “Let’s go to Tammy and Hui Ying’s Recital!!” he suggested me with excitement. I was shocked and asked him again, “Seriously?!” He nodded eagerly and his face expression said, “YES!!!”

In my head, saying “Are you nuts?! You really willingly to drive that far? It’s only one day event that took less 3 hours of the time! Driving there is going to take more than 8 hours back and forth, and it’s on Sunday, the next day you have to work..bla bla bla..” I’m hearing my head whispered to myself. And then I stop thinking and start being conscience in what I am hearing and saying to myself. “Look, what’s possible here? What is more important right now? What is it that you want? You want to be there or not?! What’s with the consideration?”…In that 5 second, I made my decision!

“Ok! Let’s go!”

I will do whatever it takes so that I will be there. There must have been a very strong force or energy that made us feel that this journey is worth a million!! I put my intention to do it and let the universe works its way at the same time, enrolling other friends to go there is another challenge but hey, it’s Tammy’s Recital! It’s surely going to be excellent!!

That morning, we depart from KL at around 8.00am together with another 3 friends. Many things we shared on the journey, tips, stories, some bubu-moment and laughter, some insight out of the conversation and around 12.30pm, we arrived in Kulaijaya and another one friend from JB agreed to join in.

Once we reach the auditorium, I can felt the excitement to see what is recital all about. Target audience mostly are mandarin speaking and it does not stop us from participate and feel the excitement.

Music definitely is the language of the universe when everybody regardless race, language, culture, age, gender and religion was there to felt the energy of having a nice beautiful inspiring music played by two of our beloved friends.

From my own experience, what is so special about this recital is it’s reminded me that I am a dreamer. I have a dream and nothing in this world should ever change that. Dream BIG and I want to share one article that I read in the internet. http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/08/5-reasons-why-dreamers-can-be-leaders.html . It’s amazing how the writer by his words, inspired me.

There are 5 reason why Dreamers and be Leaders.

1. Clarity of Vision. The only way one can realize his or her dream is only if there is a complete clarity of what is desired. If your vision of what you wish to achieve is blurred, you might never be able to realize your dream. A leader has to visualize a dream for touching the pinnacle of success.

2. Radical Thinking. A man with dreams is the closest to himself. His approach is very radical, pertaining to the roots. Since he understands his dream closely, he can connect with the majority. He can show the world a different way of thinking altogether by bringing new perspectives to life. Once he gets through to the people, he automatically becomes a leader.

3. Burning Desire. A dreamer has the advantage of an intense passion which can only grow for fulfilling what he wants. That desire itself makes him successful and keeps him alive as far as achieving his goals are concerned. It has the ability to motivate and inspire people as the burning passion can be seen in one’s eyes, leave alone work.

4. Reservoir of confidence and strength. A man’s dream is often so magical that it gives them immense confidence and strength which works not only for him but also people around him. When you know where you want to get and what you want to get, you will make the finest of decisions and would be willing to take risks in situations where people would not even dare to think about. Your attitude towards your dream would always be positive.

5. Pouring the heart. Last but not the least, one of the most important reasons of why dreamers can become leaders, pouring the heart into it. A man’s dream lies where his heart is.

People, human being without dream living life like a plastic bag. How would they view this life without having a BIG dream and where has the passion of life gone? Day dreaming don’t get you anywhere without action. So, let’s dream and make a difference.

I am sure that there is 400 audiences at Tammy’s recital and each one of them surely have many dreams. She, inspired me. She, make a stand to me and to the rest of her friends. Her being has been a remarkable. I want to fly like her. I have a lot of friends who have a dream. My family members, everybody have a dream. Make a stand of our dream. We just need to make it happen. Because we are leaders! We are fighters! And, definitely, a champion! A champion that shall never fade away!

So, don’t stop believing! Put the trust in yourself and your dream shall definitely be yours.

Fly and High ~

Sufi.

Aleesha Farhana: Not just Another Woman

Malaysian transsexual who lost name battle dies

A 25-year-old transsexual who lost a court battle in Muslim-majority Malaysia to change his name to that of a woman has died, a report citing heart problems said Sunday.

On July 18, a high court in conservative eastern Terengganu state ruled that a person's sex was determined at birth so Ashraf Hafiz Abdul Aziz could not change the name on his identity card to that of a female.

The Sunday Star newspaper said Ashraf was admitted to a hospital on Friday for low blood pressure and chest pains, having earlier suffered a bout of vomiting and dizzy spells.

Ashraf, a former pharmaceutical assistant who underwent a full sex-change operation in neighbouring Thailand in 2008, was born with an abnormally small penis, and died on Friday due to a heart problem, doctors said.

He was buried as a man according to Muslim rites.

Ashraf's mother Mah Yah, 50, said her only regret was that her child was not able to wear a pink Malay traditional costume -- baju kurung -- which Ashraf was excited to wear for the upcoming Eid festival.

"Ashraf was an extremely loving and good person," she said.

Al-Fatihah.

Not Just Another Woman.

She is a stranger to me. She might be just another person who has feeling and opinion. I don’t know her but, I can felt her being. Indeed she is an extremely loving and good woman. And I would like to add more about her, she is a respectful, courageous, honest, sincere, true and real woman.

Aleesha Farhana, I bet that’s her “real” name was. On 30^th July 2011, while the Government finally releases the PSM leaders due to Bersih 2.0, there is another event happened in front of Bar Council Building at around 8.00pm perhaps. I remember that because, I was cursing the massive traffic along the town road headed to Dataran Merdeka. My intention to go inside the town is to find the petrol station, if have any.

When I turn right before the Dataran Merdeka, I witness numbers of people around 20 of them, mix race and gender and they were holding candle and one picture of a lady wearing hijab. “She’s beautiful, but who is she? What happened to her? She died? Why?”I asked myself. Only the next day, I found out about it and I am feeling devastated as well, although this human being have no connection with me when she is still alive. I never knew her as what her family and friends experience her. There is news about her wanted to do the sex change before in a local newspaper and all she received is criticizing from the public just because she was born with a small penis, with a name of Ashraf Hafiz Abdul Aziz.

Woman & Sexuality.

I am born as a woman and I embrace every moment of it. Sometimes, I do ask myself what is I was born as a man? Would things will be different for me? What is it about sexuality? What do we understand about sexual? Is sex is a “sin” words in our community? Why aren’t we discuss about it openly and face our sexuality needs and right? Be connected and be true to our self, be comfortable about it.

Aleesha Farhana is just another example of a transsexual that faces the same issue in their life. Only be different that she took 3 step ahead by make an application to the Syariah Court Terengganu to change her birth name to her real name. It has been publicized by the media because of her bold action, the Court ruled that a person's sex was determined at birth and therefore, her application has been rejected.

Many of them, most probably had done sex change in oversea or in other country that allowed it by practice, and understand the consequences. I am sure, they must have thought about it very carefully and know about themselves more than anyone else. All they need in this life is a piece of mind and a lot of love for themselves to give and to share with others.

I am frustrated of what has happen. My point of view about transsexual wanted to exercise their right should not be stop. The law that has been made to suppress from exercising the life that they want and be who they are is injustice. There must be a medical research or about someone like her but, why don’t we be openly discussed about it?

Is it because of The Religion?

God Almighty create us, human perfectly and for someone like Aleesha Farhana, God put a little more time because she is special. For whatever reason that only God knows, she is here in this world with the purpose of testing us, testing our Iman. Let us really see things from a bigger view. As we all know, God create man with theit special biological belongings and same goes to the woman, perfectly. But, do we acknowledge that God do create khunsa? Why on earth God create someone is “middle”, born with 2 sexual organs with extra feminine hormone, perhaps.

She was born as a little boy and grew up knowing that there is a girl inside of her and when the time come, she decided that she is a woman. She is a true and real woman that she wanted to be. She faced up. She took that risk to do the sex change because she believed who she was inside. Or, maybe she is born woman but, their male hormones are dominant and she attracted to woman herself.

I am not an expert both in religion and also in medical terms to have discussed about this matter in details however, I have ability to respond to what had happen to her. The decision made by the Syariah Court Terengganu, personally for me it is obviously is foreseeable. If the Court still want to be in a comfort zone in making the decision especially with this “special” case without expended and look deep into ijtihad method discussing in details, what is much more important, and took different ways, I bet our Syariah Court will be one step higher than what is happening now.

A lot of Muslim country changing their Court decision and laws, hokum, because of the practitioner of the religion itself are being open and understand what is this religion really promotes. Goodness, fairness, justice, compassionate. This is what Islam are all about. Being human. So, why aren’t we do something about it. Aqidah started from within, the connection made between ourselves and God. Words of Shahadah means a lot to Muslim people but how many of us, really can feel it and understand what does it means? There is no God other than Allah, the Muhammad is the messenger.

Be righteous has caused one life. Another human being’s rights have been violated and we are OK with it? Silent is our Enemy.

Universal Declaration of Human Rights

Simplified Version of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights

Summary of Preamble The General Assembly recognizes that the inherent dignity and the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world, human rights should be protected by the rule of law, friendly relations between nations must be fostered, the peoples of the UN have affirmed their faith in human rights, the dignity and the worth of the human person, the equal rights of men and women and are determined to promote social progress, better standards of life and larger freedom and have promised to promote human rights and a common understanding of these rights. A summary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights 1. Everyone is free and we should all be treated in the same way. 2. Everyone is equal despite differences in skin colour, sex, religion, language for example. 3. Everyone has the right to life and to live in freedom and safety. 4. No one has the right to treat you as a slave nor should you make anyone your slave. 5. No one has the right to hurt you or to torture you. 6. Everyone has the right to be treated equally by the law. 7. The law is the same for everyone, it should be applied in the same way to all. 8. Everyone has the right to ask for legal help when their rights are not respected. 9. No one has the right to imprison you unjustly or expel you from your own country. 10. Everyone has the right to a fair and public trial. 11. Everyone should be considered innocent until guilt is proved. 12. Every one has the right to ask for help if someone tries to harm you, but no-one can enter your home, open your letters or bother you or your family without a good reason. 13. Everyone has the right to travel as they wish. 14. Everyone has the right to go to another country and ask for protection if they are being persecuted or are in danger of being persecuted. 15. Everyone has the right to belong to a country. No one has the right to prevent you from belonging to another country if you wish to. 16. Everyone has the right to marry and have a family. 17. Everyone has the right to own property and possessions. 18. Everyone has the right to practise and observe all aspects of their own religion and change their religion if they want to. 19. Everyone has the right to say what they think and to give and receive information. 20. Everyone has the right to take part in meetings and to join associations in a peaceful way. 21. Everyone has the right to help choose and take part in the government of their country. 22. Everyone has the right to social security and to opportunities to develop their skills. 23. Everyone has the right to work for a fair wage in a safe environment and to join a trade union. 24. Everyone has the right to rest and leisure. 25. Everyone has the right to an adequate standard of living and medical help if they are ill. 26. Everyone has the right to go to school. 27. Everyone has the right to share in their community's cultural life. 28. Everyone must respect the 'social order' that is necessary for all these rights to be available. 29. Everyone must respect the rights of others, the community and public property. 30. No one has the right to take away any of the rights in this declaration. Source: Resource Centre: First Steps: A manual for starting human rights education

Adil Dalam Poligami.

Soalan:
Sis, saya adalah seorang wanita yang berjaya dalam kerjaya. Saya memang tidak memerlukan suami untuk menyara keperluan harian saya. Namun demikian, hati saya telah diketuk semula oleh kekasih lama yang telahpun berkeluarga. Dia telah melamar saya dan isterinya telah memberi izin ke atas perkahwinan ini atas sebab-sebab tertentu. Saya mendapat tahu bahawa seorang lelaki yang berhasrat untuk berpoligami perlu membuktikan kepada mahkamah bahawa dia perlu berlaku adil kepada isteri-isterinya.

Bolehkah Sis menjelaskan apakah yang dimaksudkan keadilan itu? Bagaimanakah saya boleh melindungi kepentingan saya dalam perkahwinan poligami?

Katrina Abdullah
Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur

Jawapan :
Secara dasarnya, poligami adalah merupakan amalan masyarakat turun temurun Arab Jahiliyah sejak sebelum kedatangan Islam lagi. Dengan datangnya Islam, poligami dihadkan kepada 4 sahaja berbanding dengan poligami tanpa had yang diamalkan sebelumnya . Seterusnya, bagi memastikan amalan poligami secara yang lebih adil dan menjamin kesejahteraan hidup, Islam juga telah menetapkan syarat-syarat tertentu dan mengambil jalan pertengahan yang lebih wajar. Syariat Islam menetapkan bahawa seorang lelaki boleh berkahwin dengan lebih dari seorang perempuan tetapi tidak melebihi empat orang.

Firman Allah SWT dalam surah an-Nisa’, ayat 3 “Dan jika kamu takut tidak berlaku adil terhadap perempuan-perempuan yatim (apabila kamu berkahwin dengan mereka), maka berkahwinlah (dengan) perempuan-perempuan lain yang kamu berkenan, dua, tiga atau empat. Kemudian jika kamu bimbang tidak akan berlaku adil (di antara isteri-isteri kamu) maka (berkahwinlah dengan) seorang sahaja, atau memadailah dengan hamba hamba perempuan yang kamu miliki. Itu adalah lebih dekat (untuk mencegah) supaya kamu tidak melakukan kezaliman ”.


Ayat di atas menunjukkan amalan poligami lebih dilihat kepada satu tanggungjawab dan sekatan untuk memastikan keadilan terhadap anak-anak yatim. Tetapi, adakah poligami yang dibenarkan sekarang adalah lebih merupakan untuk memenuhi keperluan seksual lelaki daripada melindungi anak-anak yatim? Ayat di atas jelas menunjukkan al-Quran tidak menggalakkan poligami sebagai satu hak tanpa syarat, tetapi ia adalah untuk memastikan nasib balu dan anak yatim terbela.

Ini diperkuatkan lagi oleh ayat Surah an-Nisa 129 yang menyatakan ”Dan kamu tidak akan dapat berlaku adil antara isteri-isteri kamu sekalipun kamu bersungguh-sungguh (hendak melakukannya)”. Apabila al-Quran menegaskan dengan jelas mengenai keadilan terhadap wanita dan layanan yang adil terhadap para isteri, ia juga mengakui betapa mustahilnya memenuhi syarat ini. Dengan menekankan keperluan bagi layanan yang adil dan saksama untuk kesemua isteri, ayat 4:3 tidak boleh dilihat sebagai menggalakkan poligami.

Dalam perundangan di Malaysia, poligami dibenarkan tetapi ia hendaklah mendapat kebenaran Mahkamah Syariah terlebih dahulu. Ini diperuntukkan dalam seksyen 23(1) Akta Undang-Undang Keluarga Islam (Kuala Lumpur) 1984.

Menurut seksyen 23(3) dan (4) Akta, dalam memberikan keizinan, Mahkamah akan mempertimbangkan beberapa perkara dan antaranya ialah mengapa perkahwinan poligami ini patut atau perlu, keadaan kewangan suami, sama ada suami boleh berlaku adil terhadap isteri-isteri, sama ada izin atau pandangan isteri atau isteri-isteri telah diperolehi dan perkahwinan tersebut tidak akan mengakibatkan darar syarie kepada isteri sedia ada.

Persoalan sama ada keempat-empat syarat di atas perlu dipenuhi kesemuanya dalam satu-satu permohonan telah diputuskan dalam kes Aishah lwn Wan Mohd Yusof, [1990] 3 MLJ 1x dan [1991] JH VII, yang dibicarakan dalam Jawatan Kuasa Rayuan Mahkamah Syariah Selangor. Hakim membuat keputusan bahawa keempat-empat syarat yang disebut di bawah Sek. 23(4) Enakmen Undang-undang Keluarga Islam Selangor adalah sama pentingnya dan hendaklah dibuktikan berasingan oleh pihak suami.

Undang-undang dibuat untuk melindungi hak-hak isteri sedia ada dan juga bakal isteri. Menurut Sek. 123 akta tersebut, memperuntukkan bahawa seorang suami yang tidak memberi keadilan yang sewajamya kepada isteri telah melakukan satu kesalahan dan boleh didenda tidak lebih daripada satu ribu ringgit atau penjara tidak lebih daripada 6 bulan atau kedua-duanya sekali. Peruntukan ini selaras dengan ajaran Islam yang menekankan pentingnya kaum wanita itu dilindungi dari penyalahgunaan amalan poligami. Penekanan perlu dibuat supaya suami memberikan keadilan yang secukupnya kepada isteri.

Syarat yang ketat ditetapkan dalam undang-undang keluarga Islam bukanlah bertujuan mengharamkan poligami. Ia dirangka bagi menjaga ketenteraman rumah tangga dan mengelak dari penindasan serta kezaliman suami terhadap isteri. Kecacatan poligami sebenarnya bukanlah dari segi prinsip tetapi lebih kepada perlaksanaannya oleh sesetengah lelaki yang menyimpang dari landasan syariat.

Di Malaysia, Sek. 22(1) akta tersebut membenarkan pendaftaran taklik tambahan di dalam sijil perkahwinan. Walaubagaimanapun, amalan ini tidak selalu dilakukan. Kebanyakan kita tidak menyedari bahawa kita boleh memasukkan syarat ini ke dalam perjanjian perkahwinan. Bagi mereka tahu mengenainya, ramai wanita masih teragak-agak untuk meminta syarat ini dimasukkan kerana mereka merasa tindakan ini sebagai mencabar undang-undang dan kepercayaan terhadap suami.

Dengan itu, antara cara yang boleh melindungi saudari dalam perkahwinan poligami adalah taklik tambahan. Ianya juga demi menjaga kepentingan semua pihak, saudari dan juga isteri pertama boleh menetapkan syarat-syarat yang perlu suami turuti supaya kerukunan kedua-dua rumahtangga dapat dipelihara. Syarat-syarat seperti aturan giliran, jumlah nafkah yang harus diberikan kepada isteri-isteri dan anak-anak, pembahagian harta bolehlah ditetapkan dalam taklik tambahan ini. Persetujuan semua pihak diperlukan dalam taklik ini. Tujuannya ialah untuk melindungi kepentingan dan hak-hak lebih-lebih lagi hak anak-anak.

Jika syarat ini tidak dipatuhi oleh suami, isteri berhak untuk bercerai secara taklik. Kami juga berpendapat bahawa sekiranya suami melanggar mana-mana syarat perjanjian, ia memberi hak kepada isteri untuk memohon perceraian dan mendapat muta’ah (bayaran pampasan), kerana isteri terpaksa memohon bercerai srtelah berlaku kemungkiran perjanjian taklik.

Sebagai kesimpulan, sekiranya hak wanita Islam dijaga dan diperkembangkan mengikut lunas-lunas al-Quran maka keadilan yang terkandung di dalamnya sudah pasti diberi perhatian.

Trust is More Than Words...

by Sufi.

As I have shared with you the meaning of trust on my previous article with the title, "Circle of Trust". This article is going to link to why trust is the most important being or element to the Gender Equality. I also will discuss on how trust can bring impact our everyday life and how self-trust can enhance the awareness of upgrade our quality of life among us

Many of my girlfriends had shared their experiences of betralyal by their loves one regardless in relationship, friendship or even in workplace. They felt they are the victim of the situation and some of them, believe that they could never trust anyone, especially with their opposite sex ever again.

When I asked, what is their belief about men? Most of them answered, "Men cannot be trusted!" "They are liars! Bullshitter!" "Their words cannot be reliable!!" But, then again who actually they don't trust?

The POWER of TRUST

As I learn what is TRUST is all about, I found that it is more than just words. It is my being whether I really mean what I say and say what I mean. Am I sincere enough to have put this words whenever I say it someone? Let's have a look on the power of trust from different aspect of life and how it can inject several beings and may shifted the world we live today.

Trust in Relationship.

In relationship, one can be a husband, a wife, a father, a mother, a brother, a sister or a lover and many more. Let us narrow it down to a more solid issue so that, we can have a clearer picture on how important trust in the relationship. I would like to invite you to discuss a more serious issue that are exist around us however, many of us choose not to see or pretend not to know; Domestic Violence.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is often refers to as spousal abuse, with emphasis tended to be on women as victims, but it also includes violent and abusive acts between family members. It occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear down and keep the Victim under his or her thumb. The Abuser may also threaten, hurt the victim, or hurt those around the victim.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

There are several tactics that Abuser used to manipulate and exercise their power upon Victim;

Dominance - They are the decision maker and have needs to feel in charge of the relationship. They may treat you like a servant, child or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – The Abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. If you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all ways to grind down your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – The Abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world in order to increase your dependence on him or her. He or she may keep you from seeing family and friends, or even prevent you from going to work. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone.

Threats – The Abuser normally use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children or other family members. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges or take the child away if you decided to leave him or her.

Intimidation – Such tactics include making threatening looks or gesture, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets and the message clearly state that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abuser are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you as if, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Types of abuse act.

Physical Abuse and Sexual Abuse.

When we talk about domestic violence, we are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

The Domestic Violence Act 1994 (Act 521) (Malay: Akta Keganasan Rumah Tangga 1994 (Akta 521)) of Malaysia defines domestic violence as any of the following acts:

•wilfully or knowingly placing, or attempting to place, the victim in fear of physical injury;

•causing physical injury to the victim by such act which is known or ought to have been known would result in physical injury;

•compelling the victim by force or threat to engage in any conduct or act, sexual or otherwise, from which the victim has a right to abstain;

•confining or detaining the victim against the victim's will; or

•causing mischief or destruction or damage to property with intent to cause or knowing that it is likely to cause distress or annoyance to the victim;

by a person against his or her spouse, his or her own former spouse, a child [1], an incapacitated adult [2] or any other member of the family [3].

Another form of physical abuse is any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.

The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.

The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!

There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska (PDF)

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think!

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

ü Rigidly controlling your finances.

ü Withholding money or credit cards.

ü Making you account for every penny you spend.

ü Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

ü Restricting you to an allowance.

ü Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

ü Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)

ü Stealing from you or taking your money.

The Cycle of Abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."

Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.

Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.

"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

Example; A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

Source: Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service.

Why TRUST play an important role in Domestic Violence?

Both, the Abuser and the Victim have lack of trust in them and had caused insecure feeling about them but in a different ways. The Abuser has a need of having the feeling in control to boost up the confident and they carefully choose when or where to abuse. Usually, they save their abuse for the abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love. The Victim otherwise, felt that there is no way out and lack of trust in them to take action for themselves and to move forward. They have very low self-esteem and loss of hope.

The Domestic violence affects not only the direct victim, but witnesses, others in the family and community at large. Children growing up in violence families may develop social and physical problems.

Therefore, hiding it behind closed doors will not rectify the situation. If nothing is done about it, the Abuser tended to worsen over time. What we can do to assist the domestic violence victim is by taking them very seriously. Speak up if you suspect that someone you know is being abused. If you’re hesitating – telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong. Keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can. Place the trust in them for them to have strength to stand for their life.

Love,

Sufi.

Circle Of Trust

Circle of Trust.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved."

- George MacDonald

Definition of Trust.

–noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

What is Trust?

Trust is both and emotional and logical act.

Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness.

Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.

We feel trust. Emotions associated with trust include companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation, comfort.

There are a number of different ways we can define trust. However, this article written to focus on the trust involve emotionally.

It is a normal part of the human condition to be constantly forecasting ahead. We build belief based both on our experiences and what others tell us, and then use these to guess what will happen next. This allows us to spot and prepare for threats and also make plans to achieve our longer-term goals. Definition 1: Trust means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur. If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a safe present and an even better future. Showing off vulnerabilities When we trust other people, we may not only be giving them something in hope of getting something else back in the future, we may also be exposing ourselves in a way that they can take advantage of our vulnerabilities. If I buy a car from you and I do not know a good price, you can lie to me so you get a better bargain. If I tell you in confidence about the problems I am having with work, you could use this to further your own career at my expense. Although the threat of retribution or projected feelings of guilt can counteract your temptation to abuse my exposed vulnerabilities, if you surrender I still get hurt and may still end up with the shorter stick. Definition 2: Trust means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting that they will not do this. So what? So learn about trust, how it works and how to build it. If you do it well, other people will give you the earth. If you betray them, they will hunt you to the ends of the earth.

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”

-Walter Anderson quotes

***

A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly who knows the best and worst of us and who loves us in spite of all our faults.

~ Charles Kingsley

The Importance of Trust in a Love Relationship

The glue that holds all relationships together, including the relationship between the leader and the led is trust and trust is based on integrity.

~ Brian Tracy

What do you need to create with your partner in order to enjoy a healthy, loving relationship?

It all begins with trust. If you don't have it, you have nothing. If you're dating or married to a man or woman whom you're suspicious, then not only are you suffering, your relationship is a sham. Trust is built slowly over time, but of it can be shattered in an instant. Honor your loved one by acting with integrity at all times.

And when the Trust has been broken...

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”

Friedrich Nietzsche quotes

Trust is built in a relationship when both people are open to learning rather than controlling through anger, withdrawal, compliance or resistance. When our intention is to control rather than to learn about what is loving to ourselves and our partner, we can never trust or feel secure with our partner, because if we can control and manipulate him or her, others can too - and that's scary.

When to think about it, I still remember when I was in relationship with one man that faced an issue to trust his partner. He become controlling, possessing, and always felt insecure about the relationship between us. I was abused mentally and emotionally.

Almost 2 years I let myself into that situations, it is sadden to me when he is the man that I have decided to be with. And then, I learned that, I have control of my life and all I need to do is to trust myself and be a trustworthy woman. It took me a no longer then I ever imagine until I open up. I gain trust to myself that, when I to learn about loving myself and others rather than let other people have to control on me. The more I trust myself, the more open and trusting I can be with our partner.

People often hold back from being open with their partners with the implication, "I can't be open until you prove that I can trust you." By trust they mean being able to predict their partners' response, guaranteeing that their partners will be loving rather than rejecting. One of life's hardest realities is that this kind of guarantee is impossible.

However, the more we trust ourselves and develop our ability to speak our truth, the more we are willing to be open and risk another's free response to us. This is what creates a loving and trusting relationship.

Love,

Sufi.

Awesome!! Fantastic!! And, Remarkable Leaders!!!

To A Committed, Authentic & Responsible Man, Salim (aka S.I.D.)

You uplift me. You have challenged me in your own special ways. You are my biggest supporter, my brother. Lately, life has been moving for both of us. We had our difficulties and we faced it together, and we still hold on to each other. At times, when I come to you and asked for your support, you would say “Yes” to my vision and you would say “No” to my words of crap. When I need you the most, you are there to support, and be a committed, authentic & responsible man to me, your only sister.

I make a stand to you simply because, I love you. That three words nothing without the being and the doing. I want to get connected to you and least I can do for you is to support you in achieving your dreams because, you are capable to achieve everything that you want. Only you know how much it meant to you. So, let your momentum uprising, high and fly. You will be that “superman” that what you want. I share you my love, my honesty and my power. May Allah bless your journey of Life and to be the great Leader that you are..!!

To A Passionate, Authentic & Caring Man, Marcus.

You are the most open man I ever experience in a short time of period. You open up your mind and your heart. That 15 minutes conversation with you about your vision moves me at heart. We started off as a stranger, and then there is no coincidence why I sit in front of you. Never knew that your being inspired me, so much. You were praising my sweet smile and I thanked you for making my day a complete end. I was blushing, and how sweet-talker you can be and I know that you really mean what say. Especially, you were being open up about what friendship meant to you. You inspired people around you, include me. Like you said, “time and money stops us for us to do anything in achieving our dreams...” And I get you. You can use this opportunity to fly like a seagull and make the rest fly like you.

Your friends, is so lucky to have you in their life. I remember your were sharing about you have a desire to uplift everybody around you, so that they are lifted and you make it sound that “Everyone much win.” Never give up in achieving your vision because I experience you a powerful man.

To A Committed, Responsible & Giving Man, Rizmal.

Yes, you are Rizmal. Don’t ever doubt your power to achieving your goals. Your vision is to get connected with God, yourself, your family and friends. Your intention is so strong, that only you know how much it meant to you. Make it clear and solid, so that whatever consideration come and visit your head, you will handle it. Use your heart and work on your soul. It takes 100% to be who you want to be. Don’t scared to be vulnerable, to be open and allow me remind you that life does not promise you an easy ride. However, suffering is optional. It’s your being that counts. Be committed, be responsible and be a giver because that is what you are and you can make a difference. J

To An Authentic, Honest & Responsible couple, Lai & Melissa.

There is no accident why both you have the same being. The power is in each one of you. Both of you enroll to each other life, building the same and bigger vision to create love and affection to each other and to have a promising future together. Use ONE heart to move united, forever. Give 100% and go for it anyway.

Love,

Sufi LP145.