Sunday, June 5, 2011

“Don’t let me caught you holding hands with boys..."

Along was born on 31st August 1973. He is married with 3 boys. He used to be an assistant chef (commis) at Planet Hollywood Restaurant at Bukit Bintang and now he is running his own business.

What I experience him when I was growing up is he's very talented boy. Creative with story-telling, he is interested in arts and he love writing his own song. He enjoyed jamming with the rest of my bros. In fact, one of his own song has been in one of the local CD.

I don't really remember much about the relationship brother-sister with him when I was little girl.. maybe, because of the long gap. He is 7 years older than me. But, there is a few of things about him that I remember and how it's actually influence me until now. Especially in dealing with gender equality.

Growing up with a brother who has a strong and protective brother actually make me keep my distance with him and not because I dislike him or not agreeing with him. I'm kinda respect him or in another words, I'm scared of him. He believed that he has a role play to help Dad to take care of the family, like how man should be.

That's why maybe I could not get along with him that much. I did not dispute any of his idea even though I felt "terkongkong".. It gives me stress feeling and make me upset that being a girl is no fun at all. I hate those feeling however, I just follow because I don't want get myself trouble.

I remember when I was 15 years old. Well, of course I was in Girls School. SMK Convent Jalan Peel and my friends all girls. I have none of guy friend. ZERO!! I am very timid girl in school, you see.. haha.. so, I have no excuse to have a guy friend and I keep it that way.. It's not that no boys interested in me. Haha.. it's just that I don't want to take the risk of not being trusted. If my family did not trust me, then, it will be difficult for me to go out hang around with my girl friends too.

YES. I am naive back then. When I have to go to tuition after school, I really just go there, concentrate and come home right after. Haha! I'm not denying that I do "scanning" a few good looking boys in the tuition center but, I was too scared to get friendly with those opposite sex. I'm scared it will lead to something..bad. I actually believe my Along's warning that goes like, "Don't let me caught you holding hands with boys. If not, I will drag you from that place straight home!!!"

I was puzzled when he said that to me. My heartbeat was beat faster and I really believe that he have that capability to do that. In my head I was imagining, he really does that to me. Seriously.

There is one incident that I shall never forget. I was 21 years old and was in my uni years. I have done something that crossing the line to him at that time. I admit that I was curious and I want to be in that experience. I went to water theme park and wearing swimming suit. I want there with a few friends, it's include boys. The most stupid thing I did was taking picture with my friends at that time. To my family what I did was unacceptable. So, he found out. I was caught. He saw the picture of me and one of the boys. And I got the "prize" of what I did.

Impact of his action;I was angry at him since then. I closed my heart to him and ignore him completely. But, I did not announce it the everybody that I put a "war-flag" on him. So, I continue doing what I did behind his back. I become more clever to "cover-line" so, that I did not get caught. I become good in lying. I started being dishonest and selfish.

I'm being righteous. It's my life and I can do whatever I want to do and he has no right to interfere in my bloody life.

And, as time fly by.. I realized what I did was stupid. However, I do not agreed to his action in punishing me for being that experience. Being a Muslim woman be stress sometimes when patriachal system impose on us 24-7. I felt surpressed and having the feeling of injustice.

I acknowledge his point of view that as the ONLY daughter in the family, I carried my family's name with pride. I must potraiyed to the society that my family has brought me as to what the society has decided. The norms of a Muslim girl.

I would what to discuss this matter further in this article however, I shall be focused on in some other time when we can discuss further and deeper.

I wrote this article and shares one of my experience with one of the most important men in my life. He actually to me a very wise, loving and responsible man.

I also remember when I was 13 years he came to me and asked me if I have something gold accessory that I have in mind. He want to buy something for me from his first salary. He was at his 20ties I guess. Well, wrong timing, I was being stuburn back then and rejected his offered, "It's okey. I can buy for myself,"I said. Hurm, where else in my life, when someone offered to give his love to me and I rejected it and by being righteous.

When I remember back those time, I wish I could act differently. I could be someone who understand what it takes to have self-respect and know what is wrong and what is right. But then, things will never be the same like what I am right now and lesson learned.

I love him. So much.

"Thank you Along for being there for me and be patient with me. I know, it's not easy to have me as your sister and, you have shaped me the way I am right now and you have make me a stronger and wise woman."


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