Thursday, July 28, 2011

Trust is More Than Words...

by Sufi.

As I have shared with you the meaning of trust on my previous article with the title, "Circle of Trust". This article is going to link to why trust is the most important being or element to the Gender Equality. I also will discuss on how trust can bring impact our everyday life and how self-trust can enhance the awareness of upgrade our quality of life among us

Many of my girlfriends had shared their experiences of betralyal by their loves one regardless in relationship, friendship or even in workplace. They felt they are the victim of the situation and some of them, believe that they could never trust anyone, especially with their opposite sex ever again.

When I asked, what is their belief about men? Most of them answered, "Men cannot be trusted!" "They are liars! Bullshitter!" "Their words cannot be reliable!!" But, then again who actually they don't trust?


As I learn what is TRUST is all about, I found that it is more than just words. It is my being whether I really mean what I say and say what I mean. Am I sincere enough to have put this words whenever I say it someone? Let's have a look on the power of trust from different aspect of life and how it can inject several beings and may shifted the world we live today.

Trust in Relationship.

In relationship, one can be a husband, a wife, a father, a mother, a brother, a sister or a lover and many more. Let us narrow it down to a more solid issue so that, we can have a clearer picture on how important trust in the relationship. I would like to invite you to discuss a more serious issue that are exist around us however, many of us choose not to see or pretend not to know; Domestic Violence.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is often refers to as spousal abuse, with emphasis tended to be on women as victims, but it also includes violent and abusive acts between family members. It occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear down and keep the Victim under his or her thumb. The Abuser may also threaten, hurt the victim, or hurt those around the victim.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

There are several tactics that Abuser used to manipulate and exercise their power upon Victim;

Dominance - They are the decision maker and have needs to feel in charge of the relationship. They may treat you like a servant, child or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – The Abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. If you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all ways to grind down your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – The Abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world in order to increase your dependence on him or her. He or she may keep you from seeing family and friends, or even prevent you from going to work. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone.

Threats – The Abuser normally use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children or other family members. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges or take the child away if you decided to leave him or her.

Intimidation – Such tactics include making threatening looks or gesture, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets and the message clearly state that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abuser are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you as if, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Types of abuse act.

Physical Abuse and Sexual Abuse.

When we talk about domestic violence, we are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

The Domestic Violence Act 1994 (Act 521) (Malay: Akta Keganasan Rumah Tangga 1994 (Akta 521)) of Malaysia defines domestic violence as any of the following acts:

•wilfully or knowingly placing, or attempting to place, the victim in fear of physical injury;

•causing physical injury to the victim by such act which is known or ought to have been known would result in physical injury;

•compelling the victim by force or threat to engage in any conduct or act, sexual or otherwise, from which the victim has a right to abstain;

•confining or detaining the victim against the victim's will; or

•causing mischief or destruction or damage to property with intent to cause or knowing that it is likely to cause distress or annoyance to the victim;

by a person against his or her spouse, his or her own former spouse, a child [1], an incapacitated adult [2] or any other member of the family [3].

Another form of physical abuse is any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.

The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.

The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!

There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska (PDF)

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think!

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

ü Rigidly controlling your finances.

ü Withholding money or credit cards.

ü Making you account for every penny you spend.

ü Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

ü Restricting you to an allowance.

ü Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

ü Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)

ü Stealing from you or taking your money.

The Cycle of Abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."

Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.

Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.

"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

Example; A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

Source: Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service.

Why TRUST play an important role in Domestic Violence?

Both, the Abuser and the Victim have lack of trust in them and had caused insecure feeling about them but in a different ways. The Abuser has a need of having the feeling in control to boost up the confident and they carefully choose when or where to abuse. Usually, they save their abuse for the abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love. The Victim otherwise, felt that there is no way out and lack of trust in them to take action for themselves and to move forward. They have very low self-esteem and loss of hope.

The Domestic violence affects not only the direct victim, but witnesses, others in the family and community at large. Children growing up in violence families may develop social and physical problems.

Therefore, hiding it behind closed doors will not rectify the situation. If nothing is done about it, the Abuser tended to worsen over time. What we can do to assist the domestic violence victim is by taking them very seriously. Speak up if you suspect that someone you know is being abused. If you’re hesitating – telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong. Keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can. Place the trust in them for them to have strength to stand for their life.



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